Sunday, September 04, 2005

Another day, Another Damn day

Ok so here I am again. It's like two in the morning or something and I'm sitting here wondering what the hell I'm doing. I mean not just at this moment, but "what am I doing with my whole life"?! Don't get me wrong, I have it good in a lot of ways--maybe that's the problem. I just bought a new car, I have a house that's free and clear, a real loving girlfriend, great dogs etc. , but sometimes it all seems so pointless. My Moms death, Hurricane Katrinia, all the crap going on in Iraq, they all make me really aware of just how short and tenuous life is and then I look at my life so far and I can't help but think "what have I accomplished?". I'd like to believe I've made some small difference in the lives of those close to me, but other than that I haven't done much. Of course on the positive side, I'm not dead yet and hope springs eternal, right?!--lol I know I definitely need to get more involved in the world, make some sort of difference no matter how small, otherwise what's the point! If I don't then I will have lived one useless existence. Yeah, I'm feeling majorally philisophical tonight. Pondering the meaning of life and all that existential junk. I find myself doing that a lot in the last six months. It's hard not to when you watch people around you die, and then turn on the news and see all the pain and tragedy going on every day, every moment. There has to be more to life than work, and entertainment and buying more stuff to try and fill some never ending void. I was raised Catholic, but I've lost most of my faith somewhere along the way. I miss it. Having faith in a religion certainly makes things simpler. Someone tells you, ok here's what to believe and here's the list of rules and you just follow this and you'll be good to go. My problem has always been I think too darn much! I analyze and question and question some more. Religious faith and questioning the why and how of everything don't particularly go together real smoothly. I dunno, sometimes I think life would be easier, simpler anyway if I could just shut down my brain and blindly follow. Unfortunately, most of the people who have great religious faith that I would be following, think people like me, "homosexuals--gasp", are evil fornicators destined for honeymoon suites in hell. But I'll save my thoughts (pissed off rantings) on what is happening to "Christianity" in America for another night. For now suffice to say God made me the way I am and it galls me to no end that the extreme religious right in this country think they have some special hotline to God and KNOW exactly what He/She thinks and feels and wants, and of course who is acceptable in Gods eyes and who isn't. Makes me wonder why they even need God--they have all the answers. Ok so I had to rant just a wee bit on that one tonight. Now I can sleep like a baby--lol.


Blogger Josh. said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9/05/2005 11:00 AM  
Blogger Josh. said...

It seems rather a tough time for you my friend...
But fret you do not, as its not the end.
For people who care for you are all around,
So embrace life like how you appreciate good food! Gouge yourself silly, and grow fat and round!

Take care dude~
Luv~ from Singapore

9/05/2005 11:01 AM  
Blogger Muse said...

Well here I go again (I typed this already but blogger timed out!) I'm a relapsed catholic too, but i guess i've found more importance on spirituality than organized religion. Instead of spending your life judging why you think others are living their life wrong (read the old testament and you shortly realize we're all going to hell in a handbasket), I sorta came to the realization God didn't write the bible, man did. I think you should spend your life accepting others and appreciating differences. People waste too much of their life hating and judging.

And you don't have to invent the ziplock bag to have made a difference in the world. I think if you can love one person and affect their life then you've lived a worthy life. Who knows, you being in their life may have changed their destiny and their childrens and so on. Sort of the butterfly/chaos theory. (google that!)

Sorry about your losses, that's hard. Karma may be coming back to you, with the money that is. Or maybe it's your loved ones way of sending you something in the universe. I wish mine would send me something. At least you have a house, a relationship and pets which is more than I can say for me. Yet i still manage to get up and breathe in and out each day. What the hell is wrong with me? lol

Seriously though, sometimes I think if it wasn't for my dream of having these things I wouldn't have anything to look forward to. So be sure to always have a dream. It's what keeps us going

Keep blogging

9/06/2005 7:43 PM  

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